Authentically Happy: Loving Life and My Companions Therein

Though I’ve always strived to better myself, rarely have I experienced changes that vaulted me forward in a single leap, like landing at the bottom of a ladder in Chutes and Ladders, the classic kids’ game that often seems to last as long as life itself.

I’ve experienced slow growth, plodding along ever upward. I’ve had my share of chutes—those painful times when your playing piece is sent plummeting back down the board. I’d pull myself up, gradually regaining lost ground and learning lessons in the process. However, few times have I landed on a space that catapulted me ahead in one giant leap.

One author did just that for me, in his life-changing tome that spoke to who I am and who I can become—and to how I can better love my companions in life. The book, Authentic Happiness, by Martin Seligman, Ph.D., makes the rational case for looking on the bright side of life. Being a thinker rather than a feeler, that was the argument I needed to convince me of what many people already accept: focus on the positive.

This concept works through all aspects a person’s life, work, hobbies, relationships, and overall contentment. Of the many ways that “authentic happiness” can affect relationships, one that opened my eyes most was focusing on a loved one’s strengths.

Such an admonishment is unnecessary in the way I view my three children. Although I could probably tell you one way each of them could improve, that minor trait is always covered in my mind by their strengths. Among the three of them, I admire creativity, sense of humor, intelligence, self-discipline, a gregarious nature, and much, much more. My admiration comes naturally—they’re my kids!

Practicing the positive focus doesn’t come as naturally for me in looking at friends, coworkers, and other family members (except for the way I see my brother, who is either close to perfect or else I’m still stuck in my childhood “big brother admiration” stage!).

I soon realized, though, how much my relationships and my overall attitude towards life would be if I focused on people’s positive points instead of bemoaning the negatives. Even thinking more positive thoughts of people in my past gave a brighter sheen to my present! (Please note: this doesn’t mean ignoring lack of compatibility in courtship or serious infractions like abuse in any relationship!)

This “Love Story” is not the tale of one relationship to be admired or envied. Instead, it shares the increased love through “authentic happiness” that can be experienced in any life!

Unexpected Twists and Turns

Zipping and zooming through mountainous twists and turns is the raison d’etre for many motorcycle buffs. Whether alone or in groups, they seek out the twisties like teenage girls seek a mall.

Frequently, they’ll even gather together for a weekend of twisties and cycle talk. They choose a location near remarkable riding routes, and spend the day chasing thrills.

I’ve had the opportunity to attend several such meetings, in search of the winding roads and company. At the most recent event, however, the twists and turns were primarily of a different sort.

Eastern Owners Meeting Yamaha FJR 1300

The 2009 gathering of the Eastern Owners of Yamaha FJR 1300s was held in mid-September at Johnson City, Tennessee. I went not on my own bike, but two up, as a passenger on an FJR. The pilot is an experienced biker, with over 40 years of safe, near-flawless riding, but with enough of a thrill-seeking bug to be exciting. And since I had recently watched a Travel Channel program on thrilling rides, I was ready to be titillated.

As we headed out on a cloudy Thursday morning, we knew the weather forecast looked iffy, but we decided to take our chances. An online examination of radar seemed to indicate that the southern route, through Danville, was our best bet. And it WAS dry, for maybe about an hour and a half. Much of the rest of the way was wet, but only misting, and we both have water resistant riding gear, so that was okay.

Oh, but I forgot to tell you about the distance. Before you can begin your weekend of thrills, you have to get there. The distance between Richmond and Johnson City, taking appropriate motorcycle roads, is nearly 400 miles—longer than I’ve ever perched on a motorcycle. Now, I’m not sure I realized that when I signed up for this trip, but I try to carry through with all commitments. Besides, what do you do four hours into a trip when you’re tired of riding but you still have four hours to go? Eight hours! My longest motorcycle ride yet!

By 5 that evening, we got there, and dried off, and saw that the rain had stopped. We hung out in the parking lot with the other hellions—umm, I mean middle-aged balding men and the occasional passenger—and I learned of our riding plans for Friday: Tennessee’s Tail of the Dragon.

Now the Tail of the Dragon is one of the pinnacles of Eastern U.S. riding challenges, with 318 curves in 11 miles. I’d already seen people wearing the T-shirts, “I survived the Tail of the Dragon,” so I knew it was a big deal. I’d heard that they have photographers sitting on the side of the road taking photos, and that some of the photos include spectacular crashes. In fact, there have been 28 deaths on the Tail of the Dragon since 1995, including 6 in 2009. There’s even a Tree of Shame, made up of parts and pieces of wrecked motorcycles. The North Carolina side of the route, at Fugitive Bridge, offers a view of the Cheoah Dam, where Harrison Ford jumped in the movie The Fugitive.

So despite the threat of rain when we awoke, I was psyched. And the patches of blue sky soothed any worries I might have. I zipped up my gear, put on my helmet, climbed aboard, and rode—and rode, and rode, and rode. Now on my previous experiences, the mountain roads aren’t far from the group’s hotel. In this case, we stayed on a secondary highway for a while—quite a while. Eventually, we turned onto a back road, and I began to get psyched. Till we pulled up behind a slow driver, and I noticed that even this back road was well populated with homes, and Grandpa making his way to Safeway. We’d turn again, onto a highway, then onto a mildly scenic back road—but always with enough traffic to keep the driving sedentary.

Then we turned onto another major road—but that was okay, because it was lunchtime, and this road had plenty of restaurant choices. It was only after lunch that we realized where we had landed: at Pigeon Forge, the home of Dollywood!

Do you know Dollywood, the amusement park founded by none other than Dolly Parton? How about Pigeon Forge or Gatlinburg? Do you know that they are filled with such glamorous attractions as the Black Bear Jamboree, Dixie Stampede, Smith Family dinner theatre, Tennessee Shindig, the Comedy Barn, the Titanic, wedding chapels galore, and that’s just the beginning! So try to imagine the traffic—now slow it down by about 25 mph, and you’ve got the picture! But hey, it was still dry!

On the Way

And soon, we turned away from Pigeon Forge, onto a moderately unbusy road, drawing ever closer, to The Tail of the Dragon. Finally, we got to the final turn. The signs told us we were almost there, telling us, “Warning! Use caution!” Ha!

Ah, the thrills! If you’ve never been on such an excursion, you can compare it to going to your favorite ride at King’s Dominion. It’s like making your way through the theme park, to arrive at the Anaconda—only to realize that on this beautiful summer day, everyone else has decided that it’s a good day to go to King’s Dominion! So you wait in a really long line. Well now the line was almost over—our turn was here!

At the top of the Tail, we came to a scenic pull-off. It was crowded with motorcycles, and a contingent of sports cars—MGs, Austin Healeys and others. All were getting ready to wind their way down the Tail. So the Tail of the Dragon is popular. Which means lots of riders—of all skill levels. And people in old cars, in the out-for-a-Sunday-drive frame of mind. You know how at Kings Dominion the resort employees keep the stream of passengers moving smoothly along, so each rider gets the best experience possible? here are no attendants at the Tail of the Dragon!

On top of all that, as we crested the mountain, getting ready to wind down the Tail on the eastern exposure, the rain began—slowly, but enough to wet the roads. I know you know what that means.

We wound our way down through all 318 curves—behind a string of wisely cautious drivers, being cautious ourselves on the wet roads. Yes, the professional photographers took our photos—but we weren’t even close to scraping the pegs on the pavement! By the time we got to the souvenir shop at the bottom of the Tail, I knew I didn’t deserve any “I survived” T-shirts!

But we did it, and nobody became a statistic.

I won’t belabor the rest of the day. I won’t go into details about how we had to pull into a church parking lot only a few miles past the Tail because it was pouring so hard that we couldn’t see the road, or about the flooded streets of the next town we drove through, or the rain that stayed with us the rest of the route. I will only highlight how all of the motorcyclists in our group—people who prefer scenic roads to highways—cared only about the quickest way home, right through Asheville, and drove without a second glance past the entrance to the Blue Ridge Parkway. I won’t describe any more of this wet, 450-mile, 12-hour pilgrimage, or getting to the group’s Friday evening banquet when only a few scraps were left in the bottom of the pans, or the chill that permeated our bones.

But I will say that we warmed up—that we really enjoyed a cold beer afterwards—that we rode The Snake on dry roads the next day—and that we made new friends and had new stories to tell. Our twists and turns weren’t simply literal, they were figurative, too!

Would I do it again? Not knowingly! Do I regret it? No—then I wouldn’t have another good tale to tell!

It’s a Small, Round World

“The world is round!” exclaimed the small Cambodian man with a big smile. It was the holiday season, 1980, in Bangkok, Thailand. My parents and I were visiting my brother in Bangkok when we met Savoeun Nuon, a refugee who had fled his homeland with his wife and two young children, fleeing the “killing fields” of the Khmer Rouge. Nuon had recently settled in Richmond, Virginia. “The world is round,” he said upon learning of our mutual Richmond connections.

We learned from Savoeun Nuon of just a few of the horrors he had escaped in and after Cambodia. “Life in the camp was difficult,” a Baptist Press report later explained, telling Nuon’s story, “and the thousands of refugees often lacked enough to eat. When local governmental authorities failed to give an adequate ration of food, a lethal riot broke out among the refugees. Thai authorities, hoping to end the riot, sprayed gunfire into the crowd where Nuon had stood moments before. He and his family fell to the ground in their hut as bullets passed through the fragile walls. They watched as at least 40 Cambodians were killed. He and his family were spared.”

When my family and I met Nuon in Thailand in 1980, he had been acting as translator for the Foreign Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention, as they carried food and medicine into the refugee camps. While there, Nuon was hoping to locate his sister and mother, who had been left behind when the rest of the family escaped. Three weeks passed as he worked in the camps, and he had not found them. “We prayed desperately in the car,” Nuon recounted, describing their arrival at the huge camp. “Just after we prayed we got out of the car and there was my mother and sister.”

(You can read more of Savoeun Nuon’s story at http://media.sbhla.org.s3.amazonaws.com/7933,28-Feb-1995.PDF.)

“The world is round!” Or as Americans say, “It’s a small world.”

I had another small, round world lesson during that trip to Thailand, one more amusing than profound. After many enjoyable days of Thai food, my family went to a Chinese restaurant. The restaurant was closed, but seeing a waiter who was preparing tables for guests, we asked him when they would open. He did not speak English – no big surprise. My brother spoke to him in Thai – no, he did not speak Thai either. On a whim, I spoke to him in German – the only time after studying five years of German that I truly had to use it – a native English speaker communicating in German with a Chinese waiter in Thailand. It’s a small, round world!

Savoeun Nuon’s story had a lasting impact on me. It opened my eyes to the cruelty that exists in parts of the world, to the emotional turmoil and the joy of losing and then finding loved ones, to the benevolence of those who reach out to help, and to appreciation of the diversity of our world. The experience also opened my heart to help to assuage such suffering when I could.

The women in the November, 2009 issue of V Magazine for Women make such benevolence their work, each in her own way, each addressing a different need. Their work extends into the world, but draws resources and plants benefits right here in our own backyard. The work of Liz Sweeney at Children, Incorporated, of Kathy Cooper at Newcomer Services, and Lupe Ramirez at AlterNatives touches lives here and across the globe. They know, ours is a small, round world!

You can read more about the current issue of V at www.MyVMagazine.com.

A Shopping Deal to Brag About

Women – and often men – enjoy bragging about their shopping conquests. In this case, I didn’t find a great deal on clothing, shoes, accessories, or makeup. No, my proud purchase is a SVGA (Super VGA) CL2 Rated High Resolution HD15 Cable.

Before your eyes glaze over, let me explain. In my recent attempt to trim expenses and weather the economic storm, I’ve decided to cut out cable TV expenses. After all, I average only about 30 minutes of TV a day, and during the week, my only TV viewing is often The Jay Leno Show, an NBC show that is available without cable. Okay, so I’ll miss the news 24/7 when I’m folding laundry, but with my newly emptied nest, that isn’t so frequent or long anyway. I’ll definitely miss the Food and Travel channels, but I’ll survive.

Besides, my kids have introduced me to the wonders of Hulu, so I can watch TV shows at whatever time is most convenient to me.

With that goal in mind, I marched into Best Buy. I purchased a new-fangled rabbit ear antennae set (unlike the unattractive metal wires our parents had, these look more like a small alien, quite at home next to the blinking lights on my Internet wireless modem). This set me back only $12.99 (I splurged, and ignored the $9.99 set that was hanging next to it).

I next began looking at the cords to connect my daughter’s old laptop to the TV, to enable whim-seeking Hulu watching. The 6-foot VGA cord cost $29.99. I decided to do some research.

Today I stumbled upon Optimization World, a verified online source of cords and cables at low prices, with no shipping! I have ordered a 10-foot VGA cord for only $12.99! And I don’t have to spend time or gas money to drag myself out to Best Buy!

Next time you need a cord, check ‘em out! www.optimization-world.com

NOTE: Optimization World has promised a 33% discount rate for posting a link. I intend to take advantage of that discount, but hopefully the fact that I’m going back there shopping again demonstrates that I believe in the recommendation I’m making.

Two Breast Cancer Inspirations

I had the privilege on Thursday, October 15, of attending Ellen’s Hope, a luncheon to support the Ellen Shaw de Paredes Breast Cancer Foundation and their commitment to raise the bar in early detection of breast cancer through education, research, and care for the underserved, including a free screening mammogram program for underserved women in the community.

Among the informative and inspirational speakers was the Reverend Anne C. Brower, M.D., a remarkable woman who has practiced medicine for 41 years, served as consultant in the medical care of five presidents, and now serves as senior chaplain at the Washington National Cathedral.

In sharing her own struggle against breast cancer, Dr. Brower differentiated between the disease (the physical manifestations of a body that is troubled), the illness (the patient’s reaction), and the sickness (maladaptive responses from others). It was only after she learned to deal with her own reaction and the responses from others, Dr. Brower reported, that she could begin to heal: “I still had the disease, but I was rid of the rest, [the illness and sickness].”

She also shared words of wisdom for those of us who are trying to help someone facing the disease: “Just go and be,” she said.

For more information on the Foundation, call 804-523-3209.

Cancer for Christmas

I’ve also had the opportunity, unfortunately, of watching a friend combat the disease and then, fortunately, of seeing her beat the cancer, and watching her process of compiling a book to help her share her newfound wisdom and knowledge with others.

The book, Cancer for Christmas, is a fierce and funny, thought-provoking and inspiring story of Casey Quinlan’s journey to cancer-free. It’s both an inspiration and an education in navigating the important fight against cancer. To learn more or order your copy, visit CancerForChristmas.com.

Are You Positive?

I used to think I was a pretty positive, upbeat person. I’ve always liked to use exclamation points in my correspondence! I adore the “Life Is Good” product line, I’ve never been a gossip who gloats over other people’s shortcomings, I prefer laughter to drama, and I helped to create a magazine that is based on celebrating women’s victories.

But now I’m not so sure.

In researching the effects of positive writing, in support of V‘s mission and to share that mission through public speaking and writing, I began reading Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, by Dr. Martin Seligman. In addition to thought-provoking and life-changing content, the book contains questionnaires measuring overall happiness, current happiness, gratitude, optimism, and more. To my chagrin, I discovered I score below average on most of the happiness inventories!

I’m not usually one to put a whole lot of stock in comparing myself to others, but at times that is an effective benchmark. In this case, it certainly got me thinking. As I considered my life and my tendencies, I remembered a New Year’s Eve years ago when I went out with friends to dinner. I was famished, and quite disgruntled by the wait we discovered we would have at the chosen restaurant. In response to my gripes over the unavoidable situation, one friend said, “Well, I think now is a good time to think about what we have to be grateful for.” I did not receive his comment graciously!

I know I’ve changed a lot since my early years, and am in many ways different from who I was that New Year’s Eve. Apparently, though, I still have a ways to go. The good news is that I can change my personal tendencies. As I reported in an earlier blog post on the book Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain, How a New Science Reveals Our Extraordinary Potential to Transform Ourselves, by Sharon Begley, oft-repeated actions and thoughts can change our brains, and our habits. In fact, such is the goal of Dr. Seligman’s Authentic Happiness and his book Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. In fact, such is a goal of the science of Positive Psychology.

Having a positive, optimistic attitude – without ignoring realities that need to be changed – can make anyone a happier person, despite the curveballs that life throws our way. I’m on the way, chugging along to become a new and improved me. Perhaps in a few years I can be positive that I’m positive, and the questionnaires will prove me right. Or better yet, perhaps positive psychology would have made its mark, supported by venues like V Magazine for Women, and everyone will be a little more positive!

How about you? Are you positive?

Check out the Authentic Happiness questionnaires at AuthenticHappiness.com and join me on the journey!

Politics and Clear Thinking: McDonnell and his “Deeds”

As V readers have undoubtedly noticed, we rarely address politics. It’s not that we don’t care, or have opinions, but we’ve tailored V as a venue for viewing common ground rather than dissension. When we do look at issues, it’s usually at issues involving individual rights, a principle that is embraced in different ways by right and left.

We also try to base our discussions on principle, reality and clarity of thought. It was in that light that I’ve listened to the recent accusations against gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell. Apparently, his master’s thesis criticizes working women and gays and describes religion as guiding principle in public policy. He calls working women and feminists detrimental to the family, and says that “Republicans must shield traditional, heterosexual two-parent families from the effects of abortion, feminism, welfare, ‘cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators.’” He states “a belief that ‘alternative lifestyles’ don’t necessarily merit the same considerations as traditional families,” that “‘every level of government should statutorily and procedurally prefer married couples over cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators.’”

I have no doubt if I read McDonnell’s thesis, my hackles and blood pressure would rise. In his words, he butts up against two of my most deeply held beliefs: equality and separation of church and state.

But apparently, Bob McDonnell says he has changed his opinions in the 20 years since then, based in part on fathering his daughters.

I won’t use this opportunity to take a stand for McDonnell, or for Creigh Deeds, but I do recognize that experience and wise examination can change a person’s opinions drastically. As a voter, and a thinking person, I won’t judge McDonnell on his fundamentalist opinions stated 20 years ago. Instead, I will judge him on his “deeds.” I will look at the actions he has taken in the intervening years – focusing on the most recent past – and on his current statements, and vote accordingly.

My intent here is not to persuade anyone on how to vote. No, my intent is longer term. I believe that if each citizen of our nation learns to think clearly, reasonably, and logically, to base opinions and actions on reality, truth, and the resulting principles, then the United States can more fully achieve a society of equality, justice, and rights.

We live in a great country. Through our own proper judgments and deeds, we can make it even better!

[Quote taken from an AP report.]

NOTE: Creigh Deeds and Robert McDonnell will be participating in a debate sponsored by The League of Women Voters of Virginia and AARP Virginia at 8:00 pm October 12 in Richmond, to be televised statewide. Listen and decide for yourself.

An Early Lesson on the Pain of Intolerance

I’m tempted to tell this story in third person, as if I wasn’t one of the participants—but I was. At least I can come before you now and demonstrate the lesson I learned.

There was a girl in my second grade class, Sarah Levy, who was very tall for her age—much taller than the rest of us, even taller than the boys in the class. And for this, we picked on her. There wasn’t anything bad about Sarah. She didn’t hurt others, cheat on her schoolwork, steal our stuff, or even annoy people. No, she was kind and quiet—and perhaps this left her even more vulnerable to being picked on.

One spring day, the teacher was absent so we had a substitute—someone who didn’t know our propensity to pick on Sarah so couldn’t be her protector. Early in the day, one of my classmates had told the teacher that the tall girl liked to be called “Levy,” so all morning long, kind, quiet Sarah was called “Levy.”

Now I know that this is just a name. And it was indeed Sarah’s name. It wasn’t like we convinced the teacher that the tall girl was called “Schmuck” or “Dumkopf” or “Stretch.” But this was an eight-year old girl, who was frequently ostracized by her classmates, who knew that this represented further torture—and that the injustice was coming this time not through other kids but through an adult, even if unwittingly.

I was there at the end of recess, standing near the front of the line, when Sarah Levy came up to the teacher and said quietly, “Please, my name is ‘Sarah.’”

Oh, I might have snickered at the time, along with my classmates, but a realization washed through me. It was a beautiful spring day, clear blue sky, birds singing all around, and the air was cool—but I felt heat coursing through my body, like the adrenaline you feel after a near-accident. When this adrenaline left my body, though, it left behind an important lesson that I carry with me to this day.

I learned the importance of respecting another person’s differences. I began to learn the importance of respecting each individual’s right to live his or her own life without physical or emotional force or interference from others. The passion I feel for that lesson is reflected in my daily work at V Magazine for Women, as I work to promote this idea in the minds of our readers by promoting diversity and tolerance.

Diversity certainly includes racial and ethnic differences, but it’s so much more. It’s whether you dress in khakis and Dockers or T-shirts and tattoos; whether you are a bank executive or a plumber, college-educated or working on your GED; whether you crochet or play sports; whether you pursue your career with a single-minded purpose or give up your career to raise a family; whether you are straight or gay, traditional or New Age, vegetarian or omnivore.

People can be afraid of these differences, so our aim at V is to give a human face to a diversity of people, so readers can know, “Oh, she isn’t so different from me!”

Tolerance, as we promote it, doesn’t mean accepting all behaviors, right or wrong. It doesn’t mean you should tolerate an abusive husband or a thief; nor does it mean you should never express a belief that might offend someone else’s beliefs. Instead, it means accepting each person right to believe or act differently—as long as their beliefs and actions don’t tread on the rights of another. Most importantly, it means leaving them free from physical and emotional force and coercion.

Celebrate diversity that hatred may end.

To help promote this idea, we have created a line of Diversi-T’s. On the front of these T-shirts is a quote from the Civil Rights activitist, Angela Davis: “If they come for me in the morning, they will come for you in the evening.” On the back of select shirts are symbols representing some of the many differences that have been and are still being persecuted, as well as symbols of the great harm that has come from the hatred that arises from intolerance.

Our hope is that people may wear these shirts, and live the message of the shirts, and bear this testimonial to others. They are available online in a wide variety of shapes and sizes – of course! Click here to learn more.

I don’t berate myself for what I did as an eight-year old, but I do remember the lesson. I apply what I learned, not to make restitution, but because I know that if we all celebrate diversity, our world will be a better place to live—especially for people like Sarah.

What Makes Us Happy?

Why are some people happier than others? Are they lucky? Blessed? Great circumstances, enough money, perkier personality?

A 72-year longitudinal study has examined the lives of 268 men, sophomores at Harvard and now in their 80s. Director of the study, George Vaillant, has a lot to say about what has made for the happy lives of some of these men.

Click here to hear Dr. Vaillant’s summary of the findings. “The take-home lesson is always to enjoy where you are now. The job isn’t conforming, it isn’t keeping up with the Joneses. It is playing and working and loving, and loving is probably the most important. Happiness is love.”

For more, check out the complete article in The Atlantic.

Playtime!

I don’t know the story behind this charming video, but this animated couple makes my imagination run wild, picturing the fun that they’ve had with each other over 50 years together, enjoying the laughter that supercedes life’s inevitable challenges!

One of life’s tonics is the fun of playtime, immersing yourself in whatever hobby may float your boat. If you can share that hobby with friends, family, and your significant other, what a great way to strengthen your relationship, building great memories and preparing for the hard times ahead.

So go ahead, PLAY!

[Video link thanks to Leslie Haas Clanton for her Facebook post.)