It’s a Small, Round World

“The world is round!” exclaimed the small Cambodian man with a big smile. It was the holiday season, 1980, in Bangkok, Thailand. My parents and I were visiting my brother in Bangkok when we met Savoeun Nuon, a refugee who had fled his homeland with his wife and two young children, fleeing the “killing fields” of the Khmer Rouge. Nuon had recently settled in Richmond, Virginia. “The world is round,” he said upon learning of our mutual Richmond connections.

We learned from Savoeun Nuon of just a few of the horrors he had escaped in and after Cambodia. “Life in the camp was difficult,” a Baptist Press report later explained, telling Nuon’s story, “and the thousands of refugees often lacked enough to eat. When local governmental authorities failed to give an adequate ration of food, a lethal riot broke out among the refugees. Thai authorities, hoping to end the riot, sprayed gunfire into the crowd where Nuon had stood moments before. He and his family fell to the ground in their hut as bullets passed through the fragile walls. They watched as at least 40 Cambodians were killed. He and his family were spared.”

When my family and I met Nuon in Thailand in 1980, he had been acting as translator for the Foreign Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention, as they carried food and medicine into the refugee camps. While there, Nuon was hoping to locate his sister and mother, who had been left behind when the rest of the family escaped. Three weeks passed as he worked in the camps, and he had not found them. “We prayed desperately in the car,” Nuon recounted, describing their arrival at the huge camp. “Just after we prayed we got out of the car and there was my mother and sister.”

(You can read more of Savoeun Nuon’s story at http://media.sbhla.org.s3.amazonaws.com/7933,28-Feb-1995.PDF.)

“The world is round!” Or as Americans say, “It’s a small world.”

I had another small, round world lesson during that trip to Thailand, one more amusing than profound. After many enjoyable days of Thai food, my family went to a Chinese restaurant. The restaurant was closed, but seeing a waiter who was preparing tables for guests, we asked him when they would open. He did not speak English – no big surprise. My brother spoke to him in Thai – no, he did not speak Thai either. On a whim, I spoke to him in German – the only time after studying five years of German that I truly had to use it – a native English speaker communicating in German with a Chinese waiter in Thailand. It’s a small, round world!

Savoeun Nuon’s story had a lasting impact on me. It opened my eyes to the cruelty that exists in parts of the world, to the emotional turmoil and the joy of losing and then finding loved ones, to the benevolence of those who reach out to help, and to appreciation of the diversity of our world. The experience also opened my heart to help to assuage such suffering when I could.

The women in the November, 2009 issue of V Magazine for Women make such benevolence their work, each in her own way, each addressing a different need. Their work extends into the world, but draws resources and plants benefits right here in our own backyard. The work of Liz Sweeney at Children, Incorporated, of Kathy Cooper at Newcomer Services, and Lupe Ramirez at AlterNatives touches lives here and across the globe. They know, ours is a small, round world!

You can read more about the current issue of V at www.MyVMagazine.com.

A Shopping Deal to Brag About

Women – and often men – enjoy bragging about their shopping conquests. In this case, I didn’t find a great deal on clothing, shoes, accessories, or makeup. No, my proud purchase is a SVGA (Super VGA) CL2 Rated High Resolution HD15 Cable.

Before your eyes glaze over, let me explain. In my recent attempt to trim expenses and weather the economic storm, I’ve decided to cut out cable TV expenses. After all, I average only about 30 minutes of TV a day, and during the week, my only TV viewing is often The Jay Leno Show, an NBC show that is available without cable. Okay, so I’ll miss the news 24/7 when I’m folding laundry, but with my newly emptied nest, that isn’t so frequent or long anyway. I’ll definitely miss the Food and Travel channels, but I’ll survive.

Besides, my kids have introduced me to the wonders of Hulu, so I can watch TV shows at whatever time is most convenient to me.

With that goal in mind, I marched into Best Buy. I purchased a new-fangled rabbit ear antennae set (unlike the unattractive metal wires our parents had, these look more like a small alien, quite at home next to the blinking lights on my Internet wireless modem). This set me back only $12.99 (I splurged, and ignored the $9.99 set that was hanging next to it).

I next began looking at the cords to connect my daughter’s old laptop to the TV, to enable whim-seeking Hulu watching. The 6-foot VGA cord cost $29.99. I decided to do some research.

Today I stumbled upon Optimization World, a verified online source of cords and cables at low prices, with no shipping! I have ordered a 10-foot VGA cord for only $12.99! And I don’t have to spend time or gas money to drag myself out to Best Buy!

Next time you need a cord, check ‘em out! www.optimization-world.com

NOTE: Optimization World has promised a 33% discount rate for posting a link. I intend to take advantage of that discount, but hopefully the fact that I’m going back there shopping again demonstrates that I believe in the recommendation I’m making.

Two Breast Cancer Inspirations

I had the privilege on Thursday, October 15, of attending Ellen’s Hope, a luncheon to support the Ellen Shaw de Paredes Breast Cancer Foundation and their commitment to raise the bar in early detection of breast cancer through education, research, and care for the underserved, including a free screening mammogram program for underserved women in the community.

Among the informative and inspirational speakers was the Reverend Anne C. Brower, M.D., a remarkable woman who has practiced medicine for 41 years, served as consultant in the medical care of five presidents, and now serves as senior chaplain at the Washington National Cathedral.

In sharing her own struggle against breast cancer, Dr. Brower differentiated between the disease (the physical manifestations of a body that is troubled), the illness (the patient’s reaction), and the sickness (maladaptive responses from others). It was only after she learned to deal with her own reaction and the responses from others, Dr. Brower reported, that she could begin to heal: “I still had the disease, but I was rid of the rest, [the illness and sickness].”

She also shared words of wisdom for those of us who are trying to help someone facing the disease: “Just go and be,” she said.

For more information on the Foundation, call 804-523-3209.

Cancer for Christmas

I’ve also had the opportunity, unfortunately, of watching a friend combat the disease and then, fortunately, of seeing her beat the cancer, and watching her process of compiling a book to help her share her newfound wisdom and knowledge with others.

The book, Cancer for Christmas, is a fierce and funny, thought-provoking and inspiring story of Casey Quinlan’s journey to cancer-free. It’s both an inspiration and an education in navigating the important fight against cancer. To learn more or order your copy, visit CancerForChristmas.com.

Are You Positive?

I used to think I was a pretty positive, upbeat person. I’ve always liked to use exclamation points in my correspondence! I adore the “Life Is Good” product line, I’ve never been a gossip who gloats over other people’s shortcomings, I prefer laughter to drama, and I helped to create a magazine that is based on celebrating women’s victories.

But now I’m not so sure.

In researching the effects of positive writing, in support of V’s mission and to share that mission through public speaking and writing, I began reading Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, by Dr. Martin Seligman. In addition to thought-provoking and life-changing content, the book contains questionnaires measuring overall happiness, current happiness, gratitude, optimism, and more. To my chagrin, I discovered I score below average on most of the happiness inventories!

I’m not usually one to put a whole lot of stock in comparing myself to others, but at times that is an effective benchmark. In this case, it certainly got me thinking. As I considered my life and my tendencies, I remembered a New Year’s Eve years ago when I went out with friends to dinner. I was famished, and quite disgruntled by the wait we discovered we would have at the chosen restaurant. In response to my gripes over the unavoidable situation, one friend said, “Well, I think now is a good time to think about what we have to be grateful for.” I did not receive his comment graciously!

I know I’ve changed a lot since my early years, and am in many ways different from who I was that New Year’s Eve. Apparently, though, I still have a ways to go. The good news is that I can change my personal tendencies. As I reported in an earlier blog post on the book Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain, How a New Science Reveals Our Extraordinary Potential to Transform Ourselves, by Sharon Begley, oft-repeated actions and thoughts can change our brains, and our habits. In fact, such is the goal of Dr. Seligman’s Authentic Happiness and his book Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. In fact, such is a goal of the science of Positive Psychology.

Having a positive, optimistic attitude – without ignoring realities that need to be changed – can make anyone a happier person, despite the curveballs that life throws our way. I’m on the way, chugging along to become a new and improved me. Perhaps in a few years I can be positive that I’m positive, and the questionnaires will prove me right. Or better yet, perhaps positive psychology would have made its mark, supported by venues like V Magazine for Women, and everyone will be a little more positive!

How about you? Are you positive?

Check out the Authentic Happiness questionnaires at AuthenticHappiness.com and join me on the journey!

Politics and Clear Thinking: McDonnell and his “Deeds”

As V readers have undoubtedly noticed, we rarely address politics. It’s not that we don’t care, or have opinions, but we’ve tailored V as a venue for viewing common ground rather than dissension. When we do look at issues, it’s usually at issues involving individual rights, a principle that is embraced in different ways by right and left.

We also try to base our discussions on principle, reality and clarity of thought. It was in that light that I’ve listened to the recent accusations against gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell. Apparently, his master’s thesis criticizes working women and gays and describes religion as guiding principle in public policy. He calls working women and feminists detrimental to the family, and says that “Republicans must shield traditional, heterosexual two-parent families from the effects of abortion, feminism, welfare, ‘cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators.’” He states “a belief that ‘alternative lifestyles’ don’t necessarily merit the same considerations as traditional families,” that “‘every level of government should statutorily and procedurally prefer married couples over cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators.’”

I have no doubt if I read McDonnell’s thesis, my hackles and blood pressure would rise. In his words, he butts up against two of my most deeply held beliefs: equality and separation of church and state.

But apparently, Bob McDonnell says he has changed his opinions in the 20 years since then, based in part on fathering his daughters.

I won’t use this opportunity to take a stand for McDonnell, or for Creigh Deeds, but I do recognize that experience and wise examination can change a person’s opinions drastically. As a voter, and a thinking person, I won’t judge McDonnell on his fundamentalist opinions stated 20 years ago. Instead, I will judge him on his “deeds.” I will look at the actions he has taken in the intervening years – focusing on the most recent past – and on his current statements, and vote accordingly.

My intent here is not to persuade anyone on how to vote. No, my intent is longer term. I believe that if each citizen of our nation learns to think clearly, reasonably, and logically, to base opinions and actions on reality, truth, and the resulting principles, then the United States can more fully achieve a society of equality, justice, and rights.

We live in a great country. Through our own proper judgments and deeds, we can make it even better!

[Quote taken from an AP report.]

NOTE: Creigh Deeds and Robert McDonnell will be participating in a debate sponsored by The League of Women Voters of Virginia and AARP Virginia at 8:00 pm October 12 in Richmond, to be televised statewide. Listen and decide for yourself.

An Early Lesson on the Pain of Intolerance

I’m tempted to tell this story in third person, as if I wasn’t one of the participants—but I was. At least I can come before you now and demonstrate the lesson I learned.

There was a girl in my second grade class, Sarah Levy, who was very tall for her age—much taller than the rest of us, even taller than the boys in the class. And for this, we picked on her. There wasn’t anything bad about Sarah. She didn’t hurt others, cheat on her schoolwork, steal our stuff, or even annoy people. No, she was kind and quiet—and perhaps this left her even more vulnerable to being picked on.

One spring day, the teacher was absent so we had a substitute—someone who didn’t know our propensity to pick on Sarah so couldn’t be her protector. Early in the day, one of my classmates had told the teacher that the tall girl liked to be called “Levy,” so all morning long, kind, quiet Sarah was called “Levy.”

Now I know that this is just a name. And it was indeed Sarah’s name. It wasn’t like we convinced the teacher that the tall girl was called “Schmuck” or “Dumkopf” or “Stretch.” But this was an eight-year old girl, who was frequently ostracized by her classmates, who knew that this represented further torture—and that the injustice was coming this time not through other kids but through an adult, even if unwittingly.

I was there at the end of recess, standing near the front of the line, when Sarah Levy came up to the teacher and said quietly, “Please, my name is ‘Sarah.’”

Oh, I might have snickered at the time, along with my classmates, but a realization washed through me. It was a beautiful spring day, clear blue sky, birds singing all around, and the air was cool—but I felt heat coursing through my body, like the adrenaline you feel after a near-accident. When this adrenaline left my body, though, it left behind an important lesson that I carry with me to this day.

I learned the importance of respecting another person’s differences. I began to learn the importance of respecting each individual’s right to live his or her own life without physical or emotional force or interference from others. The passion I feel for that lesson is reflected in my daily work at V Magazine for Women, as I work to promote this idea in the minds of our readers by promoting diversity and tolerance.

Diversity certainly includes racial and ethnic differences, but it’s so much more. It’s whether you dress in khakis and Dockers or T-shirts and tattoos; whether you are a bank executive or a plumber, college-educated or working on your GED; whether you crochet or play sports; whether you pursue your career with a single-minded purpose or give up your career to raise a family; whether you are straight or gay, traditional or New Age, vegetarian or omnivore.

People can be afraid of these differences, so our aim at V is to give a human face to a diversity of people, so readers can know, “Oh, she isn’t so different from me!”

Tolerance, as we promote it, doesn’t mean accepting all behaviors, right or wrong. It doesn’t mean you should tolerate an abusive husband or a thief; nor does it mean you should never express a belief that might offend someone else’s beliefs. Instead, it means accepting each person right to believe or act differently—as long as their beliefs and actions don’t tread on the rights of another. Most importantly, it means leaving them free from physical and emotional force and coercion.

Celebrate diversity that hatred may end.

To help promote this idea, we have created a line of Diversi-T’s. On the front of these T-shirts is a quote from the Civil Rights activitist, Angela Davis: “If they come for me in the morning, they will come for you in the evening.” On the back of select shirts are symbols representing some of the many differences that have been and are still being persecuted, as well as symbols of the great harm that has come from the hatred that arises from intolerance.

Our hope is that people may wear these shirts, and live the message of the shirts, and bear this testimonial to others. They are available online in a wide variety of shapes and sizes – of course! Click here to learn more.

I don’t berate myself for what I did as an eight-year old, but I do remember the lesson. I apply what I learned, not to make restitution, but because I know that if we all celebrate diversity, our world will be a better place to live—especially for people like Sarah.

What Makes Us Happy?

Why are some people happier than others? Are they lucky? Blessed? Great circumstances, enough money, perkier personality?

A 72-year longitudinal study has examined the lives of 268 men, sophomores at Harvard and now in their 80s. Director of the study, George Vaillant, has a lot to say about what has made for the happy lives of some of these men.

Click here to hear Dr. Vaillant’s summary of the findings. “The take-home lesson is always to enjoy where you are now. The job isn’t conforming, it isn’t keeping up with the Joneses. It is playing and working and loving, and loving is probably the most important. Happiness is love.”

For more, check out the complete article in The Atlantic.

Playtime!

I don’t know the story behind this charming video, but this animated couple makes my imagination run wild, picturing the fun that they’ve had with each other over 50 years together, enjoying the laughter that supercedes life’s inevitable challenges!

One of life’s tonics is the fun of playtime, immersing yourself in whatever hobby may float your boat. If you can share that hobby with friends, family, and your significant other, what a great way to strengthen your relationship, building great memories and preparing for the hard times ahead.

So go ahead, PLAY!

[Video link thanks to Leslie Haas Clanton for her Facebook post.)

How Is V Like Susan Boyle?

Okay, so we don’t have operatic voices, and might even frighten a few people away when singing in the shower, but there are some similarities! We are a bit frumpy when compared with the glossy, slick magazines. We are a bit of the underdog, operating with dogged determination and inspired mission rather than with a corporate mogul backing us.

And we are indeed lovable. I say that not to brag, but because our targeted message of celebration, accentuating the positive and supporting the diversity of women, resonates soundly with our readers.

Marketing and public relations expert Simon Dumenco recently told his readers, “Everything I Know About Marketing I Learned from Susan Boyle. Or, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Frumpy Scottish Singers.”

First, Dumenco explained, it’s possible to accentuate the negative! We at V can accentuate our choice to run on newsprint, because that helps keep our advertising affordable for small businesses. Perhaps it makes us a little more approachable as well.

Second, Dumenco said, “If you’re going to be a frump, be a lovable frump.” He went on to explain how “attractive” Susan Boyle is, per Merriam-Webster: “‘Arousing interest or pleasure: charming; appealing.’ She’s got a doughy mom face, but it’s the way she deploys that doughy mom face that matters. Oh, that great sweet smile! You know that if she was a teller at your local bank branch, she’d be your favorite…. She’d never have to sing a note and you’d still totally love her.”

I like to think that V has a great sweet smile! In any case, that’s how we aim to please—through smiles that spring from the pages of our magazine!

Dumenco also emphasized that “pluck is everything.” And do we got pluck! To keep on plugging away in this economy, when our clients are hurting and fearful, when we know we don’t have a sugar daddy waiting in the wings (or ready to pull the plug), does take pluck!

I believe that a huge reason for Susan Boyle’s popularity is what I call “the Superman fantasy,” a belief so many of us hold that our warts, so visible to the world, will be made invisible when our true beauty and strength become apparent.

In fact, the reality behind a Superman fantasy is that as we become more confident in our strengths, the warts do fade from view, whether we leap tall buildings or not. I’d like to think that our loyal readers don’t pay any attention to the newsprint, but instead see the celebration behind the stories!

As we focus on emphasizing that celebration, we become more aware of another part of our mission: to help our readers to improve their own lives. For this reason, we have started our Celebration Series, a series of reader submissions and personal exercises to help the positive to percolate to the surface! Our first part in the series is “Tellebrate,” a chance to TELL the world what’s right with your world! For details on the Celebration Series, go to www.vmagazineforwomen.com/celebration.

And whether you’re more like Susan Boyle or Diana Krall, may you celebrate your life to the fullest!

To My Hero: A Tribute to My Mother

If I’m looking for a sentimental experience, I don’t generally go to Chuck E. Cheese’s to see their life-size puppets provide musical entertainment. On this particular visit, however, the six-foot bear with her cheerleader outfit, pom-poms, and ponytails left me discreetly dabbing at my eyes. When this mechanical lead vocalist introduced her next selection as a tribute to all the mothers out there, all the unsung heroes of the world, I smiled and continued eating my pizza. However, when I tuned the bruin back in, she was singing, “You’ll never know that you’re my hero….” As I listened to the song, I realized that no, my mother never will realize that she’s my hero.

A mom can be a hero to a young child, an innocent child who still sees Mommy and Daddy through rose-colored glasses. Mommy can be the hero for fixing up boo-boos and making them all better, for taking the time to read and laugh with her little one, for knowing just how to fix a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or for being warm and cuddly and soft.

But as a child reaches adolescence, those glasses often become muddied and “Motherrrr!” is anything but “cool” and “heroic.”

When son or daughter reaches young adulthood, dear old Mom may once again become a pretty neat person; but it’s not until the daughter reaches a major milestone in her own life that Mom’s nobility and heroism can once again reach superhuman proportions.

This major milestone is motherhood, when mother and daughter have something wondrous and challenging in common, when daughter-become-mother now understands those feelings her mother had, now smiles knowingly as she remembers the “curses” her mother often uttered in moments of frustration: “Just wait till you’re a mother!” or, “I hope your children treat you just like that—then you’ll understand!”

Daughter can now appreciate those nights when mother sat up waiting for her to come home and why mother was both tearful and angry when daughter finally arrived. The daughter can now begin to understand the fears her mother had, the worries, the hopes, and the dreams. She can now see that many of her mother’s “faults” were really just maternal attempts to protect her offspring. She can relate to the pain and pride and joy that are part of the motherhood turf.

Never in the course of the shared lifetime is the potential greater for a rich mother-daughter relationship. And that’s where my tears came from, for I never had the chance to share motherhood with my own mother. She died less than a year before my first pregnancy.

I imagined often during those early days of motherhood what it would have been like to have her close by. I longed to share my precious children with her, to show them off, to hear her bragging over their accomplishments and oohing and aahing over everything they did. I wanted to watch her laughing with them and teaching them her wonderful sense of humor. In the challenge of caring for twin infants, I even imagined how my mother would mother me.

My children are grown now, and my relationship with them has morphed into something new. The pain of grief has diminished after twenty-five years, yet there’s still much about my mother that I admire and miss. I still regret that she never got to know my children, or they, her.

Mother, I hope that you knew you’d be my hero.

Annie Tobey
(excerpted and updated from her book, For Any Young Mother Who Lives in a Shoe, published by Judson Press, 1991)